May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from spot. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have One more place where American Males can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer you All people a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he ought to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much Trump Tower Damascus daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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